An article written for undisclosed magazine. Let's just say it involves girls having recently become wild... Let me preface this article by stating the most obvious traits to look out for in a possible girlfriend: jealous, bitchy, ugly. The below warnings serve to highlight the finer points of girls that suck and under no circumstance should become your one and only.
1. She likes your friends…a lot. The Spice Girls framed it best in their song Wannabe: “If you want to be my lover, you’ve got to get with my friends”. Note that this author doesn’t know these lyrics intimately and certainly does not own the 1996 debut album “Spice” on which they appear, but the sentiment is clear. You should feel comfortable bringing your significant other into your friend fold. But there is a limit. “You’ve got to get with my friends” should not be taken literally. Here are a few tip offs that she might want to bang your entire brotherhood: She comes to every poker night and turns it into strip poker; She sticks behind at your apartment in her undies to get cooking lessons from your roommate; she laughs at everyone else’s jokes but yours (fucking bitch!) This girl doesn’t just want to be chummy with your friends - she wants to get cummy with your friends. Walk away before she blows everyone on your Ultimate Frisbee team.
2. She wants to wait until marriageWhile this notion may have been admirable before electricity was popular, rest assured, our forefathers had to deal with blue balls far more often that the history books recount. Today’s world is laden with pleasures of the flesh at every turn. So when you walk her home after a night of putting in romantic leg-work and she drops this bomb, choose your next move wisely. You can be the nice guy (read: idiot) and tell her you understand. You can agree with her archaic feelings and convince her that you feel the same way. But secretly you’ll tell yourself that you can change her mind. You won’t. What you will do is subject yourself to weeks, even months of frustrating make out sessions that leave your battleship hard up with no harbor to port in. Your best move when given this information is to thank her for the lovely night, walk away and never see her again. There are plenty of fish in the sea and most of them want to fuck.
3. She’s happiest when you’re saddestThis sign is tricky given that you usually don’t notice how utterly depressed you’ve become until you’re dick-deep in a crappy relationship. By that time you may have convinced yourself that true happiness means being kind of miserable. Don’t fret - there are early signals that the girl you’re courting will turn out to be a passive aggressive fun dumpster. Check for the following: does she sulk? Does she always point out the negative in everything? Is she a “realist”? What you’re misidentifying as intriguing angst is actually a bad personality masquerading as a misunderstood soul. Get into a relationship with this hapless whore and you’ll soon find that there was no mystery to her anguish - she’s just a miserable bitch. And nothing makes a Debby Downer more delighted than dragging someone down with her. She’s looking to hold your happiness hostage. How better to do it than by screwing your dick literally, and screwing your mind figuratively? Trash the indie mixtape you made her and start searching for someone who actually likes to smile.
4. She wants you take over your lifeThis starts innocently enough. Guy meets girl, infatuation kicks in and it’s puppy love in full bloom. Every moment together is bliss and every moment apart is gloom. Spending all your time with a new girl can seem completely natural, especially if you’re getting major bonage. But those surging sensations will wane and when you awake from your love-coma, you may wonder a few things. Like, “Where the fuck did my life go?” Your life, much like the dinosaur, is now extinct, destroyed by the meteoric collision this chick has inflicted. You may try to correct your wrongs and reconnect with friends. This will likely cause annoyance in your captor and she’ll complain, probably in a baby voice. Now, it’s easy to be blinded by pussy, but what happens once bro night get replaced with crocheting classes? Fuck. That. Sex is great, but talking about sex with your buddies is half of what makes it so great. Ditch the clingy bitch. You’ll thank yourself on Sunday while enjoying the game with your friends.
5. She’s at the gym all the timeNo one here is condoning fat chicks. Ew. If chubby chasing is your thing, well… What was I saying? Oh yeah, right - this isn’t really about girls’ weight, at least not right away. If your casual hookup is always at the gym you must consider the reasons. It could indicate body image problems. If that’s the case, good luck trying to do it with the lights on, no matter how slamming her bod looks. On the flip side maybe she gets off when her jugs jiggle on the treadmill. Starring in the protein-powered fuck fantasies of meatheads just might be her thing. And consider this - if she’s pounding away on the StairMaster two hours each day, what happens when she stops? I’ll tell you. You’re dating the Marshmallow man (er, woman). You’re better off finding a fit chick that does yoga a few times a week. Not only can she do that until she’s old as dirt, but consider the flexibility…
6. She parties harder than youYou’re at the bar and you buy this girl a drink. Then you buy her another. Six beers later, you’re embattled in a chug contest that leaves her the victor. Use your soggy brain and think – this is not good. Not only have you just been emasculated at the one thing that guys were born to dominate - binge drinking - but you’re piss drunk and she’s ready for a rematch. While a girl with an appetite to party is attractive, there can be too much of a good thing. If she’s out-ponging you, out-flipping you and generally out-drinking you, then you have a problem. Not only will you be dubbed a massive pussy bitch loser by all of your friends, but you’ll also be dating someone who remembers less of an evening that you do. Instinctively, guys are designed to do stupid things and look to women to nurture them. But when your nurturer is passed out in a pile of her own mess on your roommate’s futon, you have truly hit rock bottom. All you can hope for from this relationship are a handful of public hookups that will be described by the sober as nauseating, a lot of headaches and even more drunken arguments. Find yourself a lady who doesn’t mind a night at the bar, but operates better as the caregiver. Your liver will thank you.
7. She doesn’t swallowSo you’re getting a blowie. Nice job! Only problem is she doesn’t want to sip the mantini you’ve prepared her. Can you blame her? Yet this simple gesture exemplifies a larger avoidance for sexual requests. How long will it be until she demands to remain fully-clothed when doing it (and by doing it, she means dry humping your jean-trapped Johnson)? Soon enough, you’re overjoyed when given permission to simply touch her sweater puppets - over the sweater. Unless delayed-pleasure is your thing, try to find a girl who will gulp the pulp. Not only will you avoid that awkward question, “So… where do you want me to nut?”, you will probably end up getting to stick it in her ass. Eventually.
8. She’s a miserable drunkWe’ve all seen them. The girlfriend who after a few drinks is hanging on her beau, first playfully, then angrily, next screaming at him for not paying attention to her. She yells at him on a public street and flies into bouts of tears for no perceivable reason. You look at this chump’s predicament and shake your head, thankful that it’s not you. Keep it that way. If you’re seeing a girl and she starts tearing up at the bar, get out of there. It doesn’t matter if she’s crying about her grandmother’s impending back surgery. Forget her reasons. Soon she’ll be balling because of something she saw on Animal Planet or screaming at you because you looked in the direction of another female. It’s a slippery slope, lubricated by her tears and made all the more slippery by her alcohol intake. If you ever want to enjoy another night out, you’ll avoid these crazy crybabies. The next time you see that girl barking at some schlub, you might just tear up a little, happy it’s not you.
(If you have identified other telltale signs that shes not worth the title, leave a reply).
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